Living Unconventionally

Everyone said I couldn’t… but I did!!!

I’ve always been a bit independent, wanting to do things my own way. I like to question conventional wisdom or modern rules/expectations/norms. When people tell me not to do things I go with my gut and do it anyway. Here are 19 things people said to me that I choose not to believe.

Must work during med school, not be a stay at home mom

It’s hard to live with one income these days, and when your income is a student stipend, it’s even harder. So it seems like a fact that a wife would need to work while the husband is in medical school. However, I didn’t want to start a career and then quit it. My mom and Nathan’s mom had always been SAHMs and I had a dream of being home with my babies so I didn’t even consider working.

We did not take out any student loans. We did have a little bit of credit card debt when we left, having put moving expenses and a crummy bathroom remodel on our credit card. But we paid it off when the house sold.

So no, I didn’t work at all during med school and am forever grateful I didn’t. I fully enjoyed my time as a new mother. We lived frugally and simply, not eating out, sharing one old car, living in a tiny old house with small mortgage, and not buying a lot of clothes or toys for any of us. Instead I enjoyed the simple pleasures of playing hide-and-seek, going for walks around the neighborhood, and eating peanut butter and jelly on a blanket in the yard.

Wait until after medical school to start a family

I ended up having 4 babies in medical school and was 8 months pregnant with #5 when Nathan graduated, so we didn’t listen to this one at all.

For one thing, I wanted a big family and knew I couldn’t wait until I was 30 to start it.

People told me the kids wouldn’t see their dad very much but actually Nathan was home a lot more during med school than residency or being a physician because he only had classes from like 9-3 and some days even shorter than that. And none on holidays, Christmas vacation, and summer vacation. On the other hand, in residency and being a physician he often worked 8am-8pm or 36 hour shifts. He only got 1 day off every 7 days, worked holidays and all summer. Plus with notes to write on patients, he was often at his office until 11pm even on “light” days or rotations.

People also told me children are expensive and deserve to be born when their parents are well established in their careers. While this may be ideal, I also felt like the kids would hardly remember this tiny house, all sharing one bedroom, or having to scrimp so much. The oldest was 6 when Nathan graduated and she doesn’t remember the hardship of being poor at all. She only remembers the fun of playing pretend swim lessons in the yard, digging holes in the dirt, taking their dolls on picnics, and making up all sorts of crafts with whatever materials they could find. So kids don’t need their own bedroom or fancy stuff or activities. They really are happy with simple things.

Gain 25-35 pounds during each pregnancy

I felt this was too much for my short body and frame so I gained 17-21 instead. Sometimes doctors would encourage me to gain more. Once I was told my baby had intrauterine growth restriction because I hadn’t gained enough weight. However, he came out a few weeks later weighing 8 lbs 10 oz! I’m glad I listened to my body and did what I felt was best.

Do minimal activity during pregnancies

I rode my exercise bike faithfully everyday during each of my pregnancies. Additionally, I pushed a double stroller with 2-4 kids in it while pregnant on long walks. I climbed on counters, built shelves, jumped on the trampoline, cleaned gutters, did all sorts of things. All my labors were incredibly easy and all of the babies were 7.6-8.8 lbs except one who was 6.13.

You will keep 5-10 pounds after every pregnancy

This one terrified me. I kept 5 pounds after my first pregnancy which ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks. So the next pregnancy I started 5 pounds heavier and I decided I would never do that again. Imagine if I had. I had 13 pregnancies so that would be 65 pounds heavier. On me, a petite woman at 5′ 2″ and normally 120 lbs. A friend told me she kept 10 pounds after each of her two baby’s births. Twenty pounds doesn’t sound like a lot but if I had done that for my 10 babies I would have kept 100 lbs. I can’t add another 100 lbs to my frame. So I had to make sure to, number one, not gain a lot in the first place by not overeating and exercising regularly, and number two, eating healthy after the baby was born.

I read a book once about mindset and the author said she had heard your metabolism changes in your 40’s and everyone gains weight so she decided that wouldn’t be her. And now she was 65 and still felt like she had a good metabolism and the body she wanted. I loved that because it’s so true. If you follow norms or things you hear, you’ll be like everyone else out of shape and complaining about life. But instead decide what you want and go for it. I weigh the same as I did when I was 16. I’m sure my body has changed –probably lost muscle and gained fat–and I may not feel like 16 anymore, but at least I don’t have a lot of extra weight and am healthy for my age.

Newborns are expensive

Baby magazines love to tell new moms how expensive it is to have a baby. They’ll need a bassinet, changing table, dresser, diaper pail, wipe warmer, crib, bouncer, high chair, swing, stroller, car seat, toys, pacis…. On and on the list goes. All to make moms spend money to make them feel like they are a good mom. You can be a terrific mom without all those things.

I bought a carseat of course because it’s the law and I want my baby safe in the car. Daily walks are a must for me so I also bought a stroller. I also bought a nice crib with a baby shower gift card that I knew would last 10 children. The rest of the stuff I skipped out on. Babies are happy playing on the floor or grass. In fact I believe they learn to roll over, sit up, and crawl earlier because they are strengthening their core muscles rather than sitting in a swing or bouncer. They also are happier with that freedom to explore and learn.

Anyway, diapers were the main cost of having a baby. Humans need food, shelter and clothing as their 3 basic needs. I breastfed exclusively so there were no formula costs. I was already paying the mortgage for my husband and me, so adding a child didn’t affect that cost. Clothes were mostly given to us by neighbors and friends. Toys were also given to us or purchased at consignment stores for Christmas presents. There’s no need to buy new.

Newborns need a lot of clothes

Magazines will also list babies needing 15 onesies, 10 pajamas, 12 different pacis to see which ones they will like best, etc. It’s really not necessary. Babies don’t care what they wear as long as they’re comfortable. Less clothes for me was a lot easier to keep track of. A few simple outfits were easier to wash, fold, and store in the closet. Much easier for anyone else wanting to dress the baby too. A full closet is overwhelming. So start small and then if you find yourself consistently running out of clothes, get a few more that you know the baby will wear before outgrowing it.

You can’t nurse while pregnant

I got pregnant with #2 when my first was 8 months old and was told to quit nursing her but I refused to buy formula (I was very cheap and also loved nursing) so I continued to nurse. My milk never dried up, my baby continued to love nursing, and my new baby was born a healthy 8 lbs 1 oz. So it worked for us. After that I always nursed my babies through at least half or all of the pregnancy. I even nursed a newborn and toddler at the same time.

Labor lasts 12-24 hours

All 10 of my labors were under 2 hours. Even my first one, even my breech baby. I’m glad I didn’t let this “fact” scare me too much. It intimidated me a little bit but then I said, “That’s not for me,” and did it my own way. I tend to do that a lot as you see from this post. (Also see my post on how to have fast labors.)

Can’t deliver a breech baby vaginally

When my doctor determined my baby was breech 10 days before my due date, she wanted to do a c-section the next day but I said no. I needed time to pray about this and make sure it was right. That was a Wednesday and I asked for the whole weekend to think and pray. Monday I went back to the doctor hoping she had flipped, but the baby was still breech. I refused a c-section because I didn’t feel good about it. So I scheduled a version turn the next morning instead. I didn’t feel good about that either but felt stuck in my choices.

In the middle of the night I went into labor and went ot the hospital. They rushed me to an emergency c-section but I said, “No way!” and pushed the baby out butt first as they wheeled me down the hall to the O.R. Both the baby and I were perfectly fine so I’m super happy I didn’t have a c-section. I know they save lives and are a good thing, but for me I knew by body and breech would be best. (See my post on birth stories for the full story!)

You’ll get no sleep the first year after having a baby

My babies all slept through the night at 8 weeks. Yes, I had some sleepless nights occasionally after that when the baby was going through a growth spurt or another child was sick in the night. But for the most part the baby was consistently sleeping 8-10 hours a night by 8 weeks old.

Don’t put your baby on his tummy to sleep

When I put my babies to sleep on their backs they always woke up flailing and startling themselves. But when I put them on their tummies they slept soundly. This is my secret to getting them to sleep through the night by 8 weeks. I know it’s not recommended, but my mom did this with her 6 children and I ended up doing it with my 10 with great success. I needed my sleep to be a happy mom!

Don’t homeschool your kids–they will have no social skills

I feel like my children have pretty good social skills. I’m not going to say they are better than public schoolers or worse, but I feel like they’re pretty good. I would say working with other children at my nature camps all summer that homeschoolers do have better social skills. They are better behaved, don’t get upset as easily and don’t want to control the situation or entire group. They go with the flow, obey directions, and are happier than the public schoolers at my camps.

Your babies are so clingy they will never leave home, go to college, or have friends

My first baby, Kylie, was especially clingy so this really scared me. She wouldn’t go to anyone: daddy, grandma, close friends, or babysitters. So I rarely left her but let her come to meetings with me, doctor’s appointments, and everywhere. Now she is 23, off living a dream college life for the past 6 years with plenty of friends.

I believe Kylie had that love and comfort when she needed it that it filled her up, so to say. Then as she grew she was comfortable leaving me, knowing I was always there for her. I could have seen her clinginess and shyness as a fault to be perfected. I could have left her more often to “teach” her how to go to others and see that she was fine. Instead I kept her close and followed her desire to be with me until she was ready to go off on her own. Now I can hardly get her to come back! She went to college at 17 and has visited a total of 27 countries.

She also has several dates a week, lots of friends, serves the community once a week, gets straight A’s, and is a happy, thriving young adult. I’m very pleased with how she turned out. We are still very close and she does make a big effort to come home between her college semesters or study abroads even if it costs a lot.

My other 3 older children also went to college at 17. They too have thrived in social settings, making friends, and living away from home. So I wouldn’t judge a baby’s clinginess as a sign they’ll never leave home.

Don’t take your 7 little kids on a 2 month car trip across the US and back.

It was an awesome trip! Super hard with a nursing 3 month old and the oldest was 11, but one of my better decisions. We had a great time seeing our beautiful country. It was a dream come true as I’ve always wanted to show them famous places like the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone, Mt. Rushmore, and the St. Louis arch. I look back on this trip with fondness. I’m so glad we went.

Divorcing an Aspie will be high conflict and require expensive lawyers and court fees

I was terrified of this “truth” proven to me by many scary and true stories. I knew my husband was capable of being high conflict and difficult. But I decided in my mind it would be as easy, fast, and cheap as possible. In my mind all we had to do is sign a paper saying we want to get divorced. It should not cost anything.

In the end we did pay a few fees required by law like the filing fee and a co-parenting course. But we did not hire lawyers or ever step inside a court room. We printed papers for free from the state website, wrote what we wanted on them, signed them, and emailed them to the judge who signed them. It wasn’t quite as easy as that because Nathan wouldn’t sign them for a long time. He kept adjusting things on the papers and hesitating (understandable.) But other than that, it was quick (6 months) and cheap.

A 36 acre property is too much for you to handle alone, you shouldn’t buy it

People were right saying this. I know it’s going to be too much work. Especially after my kids are grown and I get older. But I feel like I should still be given the option to try. It is my dream property. It has everything I’ve ever wanted (except Christmas trees). Even if I don’t keep up all 36 acres, as long as I keep up the 4-5 acres around my house I feel like it’s worth it. Even if I can only handle it for 5 years, it was worth it.

Say my health fails in 5 years. If I hadn’t bought it I would never say, “Glad I didn’t get that property because now I couldn’t take care of it.” Instead I would say, “I wish I had bought the property while I had my health and could take care of it.” So far we’ve lived here 3 years and they’ve been the happiest 3 years of my life. I am living my dream. If I died now I would be happy I got these precious years living with my children on a little farmstead.

You will kill the fruit trees on the property

I was also told I shouldn’t buy the property because I would probably kill the fruit trees and that’s not fair to the trees. I thought about this but then thought that when people buy fruit trees at Lowes, the worker doesn’t say, “You don’t look like you know how to take care of fruit trees. You’ll probably kill them, so I can’t sell them to you.” Everyone is given a chance to buy plants and trees. Yes, we kill them sometimes, and sometimes we don’t. We learn how to take care of them and it is so rewarding. In like manner, taking care of my fruit trees and property is very rewarding and fulfilling to me. Even if I don’t take care of it as good as the previous owners (they were amazing!), doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get the chance to try.

You need a barn, milking parlor, stanchion, and stool to milk

I always wanted a milk cow and these “facts” slowed me down in my quest to aquire one. But then I heard a podcast with a guest on it who didn’t keep her cow in a barn (she lives in Florida.) She also didn’t milk in a parlor, and didn’t use a stanchion or stool to milk. She even kept the cow on only an acre. She just walked into her back yard, squatted with her bucket, and started to milk. This was my kind of girl! Someone who kept it simple and basic. I know early settlers milked without all the frills so it can be done. When we got our cow we followed similarly. We went out to Maisy, washed her off, and milked into a simple stock pot.

Living Unconventionally: You can do it too!

My message here is simple. Go with your gut! Don’t follow what society dictates if you don’t feel it’s right for you. Don’t care about social media or what people say.

If the doctor says you’ll never be able to hike the Appalachian Trail because of a knee surgery, but it’s your dream, go for it! Prove him wrong!

If people say you can’t teach your child math because you flunked algebra, do it anyway! You definitely can!

If people are skeptical about you quitting your corporate job to stay home with your baby or homeschool or homestead full time, don’t worry about it! Do it anyway!

Do what is in your heart. Believe it. Trust it. It’s got you. You got this!!

Photos of Living Unconventionally

• Pregnant with #8 and flying 3 weeks before my due date
• My babies slept splendidly on their tummies
• Delivering a breech baby in the hallway on the way to the OR
• Taking 7 little children across the country on a 2 month road trip
• Pruning an old apple tree that wasn’t producing when we moved here but this year it produced lots!
• Milking a cow without a parlor or stanchion